


Look For Me

by TigerLilyNoh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Complicated Relationships, Demon Blood, F/M, Forgiveness, Guilt, Oral Sex, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Sex, Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 02:01:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7666057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TigerLilyNoh/pseuds/TigerLilyNoh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in early season 12 (which hasn't started airing yet). </p><p>Sam finds himself talking with Ruby, who's been dead for eight years.  They discuss their relationship and nearly reconcile, but things aren't exactly as they appear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look For Me

“So… you live in some kind of secret society doomsday fallout shelter?”  Ruby observed while slowly walking around Sam's bedroom, inspecting various details.

“Well when you put it like that it sounds weird.”  Sam countered from his seat on the bed.

“I'm pretty sure this isn't just an issue of perception.”  

She picked up a hardback book from one of the cluttered shelves.  He couldn’t read the spine of the book from across the room, though she only briefly flipped through the pages before returning it.  When she got to his desk, she saw her knife.  Her hand reached for it, but stopped short in hesitation.

“You kept it.”  Her lips curled with a small measure of hope.

“It’s a good weapon.”  

“Says the man who wielded Mjölnir.”

“I’m allowed to be sentimental.”

“Yeah, you are.”  She conceded, then pulled her arms close to her chest and paced slowly.  “I can’t believe how much I’ve missed.  You really lost your soul?”

“I bet you would've liked him.”  Sam huffed an unamused laugh.  “It's like he spent all his time either fighting or fucking- and when I say all his time, he didn't sleep.”

“You were practically a demon for over a year and I missed it?”  Ruby sat down on the bed next to him.  “Not that I want you to be a demon- I just like seeing the different sides of you.”

“That wasn't my most flattering side.”  Sam looked at his knees rather than meeting her eyes.  He didn’t know if he was more scared of her judgment, approval, or blind admiration.  He didn’t know what he even wanted from the conversation, from her.  Yet she had always been unlike everyone else in his life.  She’d been the person he could confide in without shame, maybe that’s what he actually needed from her.  “I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.”

“You almost sealed Hell- not really my thing, but even I have to admit that's impressive.”  She was trying to comfort him.  The thought that she wanted him to be happy almost made it all the more painful.

“I didn't do it.”  Sam shot down the praise.  “Dean talked me out of it… As much as I wanted to…”

“You didn't want to die again?”  He looked up at her dark brown eyes, which could always see into the buried chambers of his heart.  She knew, somehow she always knew.

“I guess some part of me… was scared.”  Sam thought back to how the trials had started transforming him.  “I don't know where I would've gone, how I would've ended up.”

“Yeah, not having the same afterlife safety net as humans is not the greatest feeling.”  She agreed.

“I thought about you a lot during the trials.”  Sam admitted.  “What happened to you, and whether that's where I'd end up if not Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory… There were nights when I just wanted…”

“I'm sorry I wasn't there.”  She almost tried to evade talking about why she hadn’t been around, but the door had been clearly left open.

“You tricked me- you betrayed me.”  Sam could feel his pulse rising, caught between anger & anxiety.  “I love you and you threw me to a monster.”

“I didn't know he'd hurt you.”  Ruby’s voice was a bit defensive, though her face wasn’t by any means proud.  “We were in a war and our side was gonna lose-”

“I'm not on Hell’s side, I never was.”

“And you think the angels saw it that way?”  She threw her hands up.  “You know what they called you.  The boy with the demon blood, hellspawn, abomination.  They were gonna kill you eventually.”

“So they might as well do it with Lucifer in me.”  He replied bitterly.

“Sam, I was staring down the prospects of losing you outright to the angels or trusting Lucifer to keep his word.  What kind of choice is that?”

“It's a shitty one, but it's my choice.”  Sam took a calming breath while she silently processed his statement.  “He tortured me-”

“I didn't know.”  

“For over a century.”

“He was supposed to protect you and get you through the war safely.  He was supposed to care about you.  I didn't know you’d fight him…”  She shook her head at her own words.  “I mean... I didn't…”

“You didn't think I could beat him.”

“I'm sorry.”  Ruby covered her face with her hands.  “Even if he did care about you… I mean he's King Asshole of the angels, I knew he wouldn't respect you.  I just thought it'd be like a routine possession, but he'd at least take care not to break you.  We’d get through it, when the fight was done he was supposed to leave us alone.  I didn't think that you'd be a threat to him- that you'd be a big enough thorn in his side that he'd try to hurt you.”

“You know how I feel about possession.”  His voice turned less hostile.  

He still felt betrayed, but it wasn't because she didn't care about him, it was because she knowingly disregarded an issue that was so dear to him.  After Meg, bodily autonomy had meant everything to him, so much so that he'd made Ruby find an uninhabited meatsuit.  Since then he'd been violated repeatedly.  It was debatable whether he could wholly blame her for Lucifer, but the rest of it had nothing to do with her.  She had no way of knowing what simply being himself alone meant to him.

“I know I can't make it right, but I am sorry.”

“It's weird, if before he got out you had asked me if I could’ve beaten him… I would’ve agreed with you.  I didn’t think I could do it, until I had no other choice but to.”  Sam tried to at least reassure her that he could understand her reasoning, even if he didn't agree with her choice.

“I should’ve known it wouldn’t work.  You’re too good to let people die to save yourself.  And you're like this bottomless pit of awesome & heroism whenever it matters.”  He smiled at her description of him.  “I just didn’t know how else to protect us, so I made a dumb deal with the wrong people… by the end I think I even believed it.”

“You really didn’t think we were enough?”

“I didn’t want to risk being wrong… Turns out I was, in an ironic sort of way.”  Ruby chuckled sadly.  “I paid for my fuck up- you paid for my fuck up.”

“The whole world has paid for a lot of people's fuck ups.”  He offered.

“I don’t care about the whole world- I don’t even care about most of it.  Let Heaven burn the rest of Earth and smite all of Hell.  If the two of us survived to stand on the embers... I’d mourn french fries, punk music, & Flaming June.  But you'd suffer.”  She swallowed hard.  “I don't want you to suffer.  You're the only thing worth anything and I made you suffer.”

He rested his hand on her knee and rubbed it with his thumb in a little gesture of comfort.  Getting his grievances out made his heart feel lighter.  He wasn't over the pain, but to his immense surprise they were talking through their problems and trying to better the situation.  It felt like some long damaged part of his soul was slowly being mended, something that no Archangel or Death could even touch.

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me.”

“Maybe.”  He confessed uncertainly.  “Sometimes I do forgive you.  In the middle of the night when I can’t sleep and all I can think about is those nights we’d talk until morning.  Or when I have to stitch a wound and I remember the way you used to make up the most ridiculous bullshit stories to outdo my injury.”

“I really did fight a tarrasque armed only with a toothbrush.”  She said with such a deadpan face that he actually chuckled for a moment.  He missed the way she used to make him laugh at the stupidest things.

“And sometimes I hate y- I hate what you did to me.  I hate that you made me happy and then you took it all away.  I hate that you let it get so far out of control- You were my best friend.  I was angry & confused.  I didn’t want to kill you.”  A tear slid down his cheek.  Her soft hand reached up and cautiously wiped it away.  “I wish I could tell you all this.  I wish you were really here.  There's so much going on and I don't know who to talk to.  My mom is back-”

“Your mom's dead.”  Ruby raised an eyebrow.

“You're dead.”

“Yeah, but I'm not real.”

“Fine, but she is, just trust me for a second.”  Her face dimmed slightly with guilt at the reminder that she hadn't believed in him and it had cost them both so much.  “Sorry, I didn't mean-”

“It's okay.”  She reassured.  “I wish I could be here for real- that I could make it all up to you somehow.  Whether you forgive me or not, I'd try if you let me.  I don't know how, but I promise if you just give me a chance I'll be there-”

Sam leaned in and kissed her delicate lips.  As he pulled back, she lunged forward wrapping her arms around his neck.  Her pounce knocked him onto his back, pinning him to the bed.  He held her to him desperate not to lose her again.  They kissed deeply as she ground warmly against him, making him hard.  

Part of him wanted to tear the clothes off of her, throw her down and take her.  It'd been too long since he'd had Ruby- her slender soft body full of fire & lightning.  She was strong enough to push him around and make him beg for more, but tough enough to take whatever he had to give.  But it’d been years since he’d had such an intense moment with her.  He didn't want to rush, he was treasuring every touch & taste.

She lifted herself off of him enough to undo her pant.  Her eyes were fiercely wanton as she took his right hand and guided it to her.  She slid his fingers into her panties as she bit his lower lip.  He caressed her, earning a small moan.

“God I miss you.”  He groaned.

“I miss you.”  She whispered, lips tickling his jaw & neck.  “I want you.”

Sam flipped her onto her back, pulling off her panties & spreading her wide in a single smooth motion.  She tasted as good as he remembered.  Between the moans & panting he could hear her cries for more.  He slid a finger into her and massaged her until she clenched around him as she came.

Feeling her pleasure, he couldn't hold back anymore.  He stripped off his pants, grabbed her hips, and pressed into her.  She was so wet & tight that he thought for a second he would break right then.  Her legs hooked around his waist, pulling him greedily into her.  

He looked down at her, thrusting with all the pent up passion he had.  Her solid black eyes stared up at him, and he was lost in the darkness.  She clenched around him again, back arching, mouth forming that perfect little O shape.  He wanted her more than anything, more than everything.  Clutching her waist, he pressed into her as deeply as he could and came.

Sam rolled to the side, to lay on the bed beside her.  He was sweating and happier than he'd been in months or even years.  Part of him wanted to kiss her or wrap an affectionate arm around her, but he was too confused by everything that was happening to know what was right.  When she snuggled up next to him he felt his heart skip a beat.

“I know this might not make sense,” Ruby spoke while tracing his anti-possession tattoo with her fingertips.  “But can you promise me something?”

“Sure?”

“Keep me safe.”  Ruby reached across his chest and into the nightstand.  She withdrew an old bible, then handed it to him.  When he opened it there was no paper, the inside was just the demon tablet.  He glanced up at her in confusion, but she just kissed the tip of his nose.  “Look for me.”

* * *

Sam woke up and looked around his bedroom for any signs of Ruby.  He was alone in the cold half-empty bed.  The dim silence made the concrete walls of the bunker feel more like a crypt than a home.  

He turned on the bedside lamp and climbed out of bed.  He caught his reflection in the mirror- for a second he thought his eyes were black, but it was just his imagination.  The physical wounds from the other Men of Letters had been healed by Castiel, but angels couldn't fix everything.  He hadn't told Dean, Castiel, or Mary about the experiments.  

Everything was still so new for Mary.  They hadn't yet told her about his old powers.  Maybe Dean was voluntarily forgetting that it had even played a role in the apocalypse, or maybe he had the same fears as Sam.  What if his connection to Azazel & demons was just too much for her?  He wasn't sure he could take losing his mom again, and this time by her own volition.

Sam rubbed his stinging eyes then knelt down on the floor and pulled his mementos box from underneath the bed.  He sat on the edge of the bed examining the contents with bittersweet nostalgia.  After a few trips down memory lane to take his mind off his recent torture, he found what he'd been searching for.

Deep in the collection of treasured objects was the old motel bible he'd stole when he was ten.  Opening the front cover revealed the hidden compartment where he'd kept secret items never meant for his dad or Dean’s eyes.  There had been a time when it held $120, a spare key to Bobby’s house, & a pamphlet for child protective services.  For the last eight years it held something far more private.

He gingerly picked up the vial of blood.  He knew that having any was crossing the line into dangerous territory, he'd known that for years.  Yet he'd never been able to throw the thing away.  Part of him had smugly told himself that it was an exercise in avoiding temptation, but that barely held up under any internal scrutiny.

He very carefully unscrewed the cap, then held it an inch from his nose.  It shouldn't have smelled so good to him.  Regardless of his past, it was still blood- yet somehow to him it was nearly perfume.  The scent reminded him of her, their time together, the way she made him feel, happy & strong for the first time since Jess.  Through some miracle he’d loved her… he still did.

When he finally managed to pull himself from those thoughts, he realized that he was hard.  His fingertip touched the top of the vial, getting less than a drop on his thumb.  Instead of tasting it, he rubbed it between his fingers and wiped it down his chest.  He knew it was silly & more than a little disgusting, but more than anything he just wanted to have her scent on his skin, like the old days.

After carefully returning the vial to the bible & the box, Sam laid back in bed and began touching himself.  He began stroking his cock, though it wasn't anywhere near what he'd experienced in his dream.  It took a minute or so for him to finally cum and when he did it was generally underwhelming.  His eyelids became heavy, but before he could fall asleep there was a knock at his door.

“Sammy, time to wake up.”  Dean shouted through the door.  “We're meeting in the library in ten.”  

“What's up?”  Sam yelled back.

“Cas & I were taking inventory downstairs.  The fucking demon tablet is missing.”


End file.
